By David Michael Newstead.
I wrote this in 2012, but I think it still applies four years later. Enjoy!
Interviewer: So, how’d you hear about our company?
Applicant: All the other people applying to this job are socialist weaklings who want to take away your guns and gay marry your children under Sharia Law!
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Applicant: This great company stands at a crossroads. On one side, there are those who would divide us, restrict our God given liberties, and take us down the path to economic oblivion. And I say to you, not on my watch! Not as long as I live and breathe. This healthcare law has got to go!
Interviewer: *clears throat* So, it says here you went to George Washington?
Applicant: The Founding Fathers provide the guiding principles for how I will run this company.
Interviewer: And you were a business major?
Applicant: I have extensive experience in the private sector. My opponent, on the other hand, has never had a job in his life and he doesn’t understand how to return this company to the greatness that its employees deserve.
Interviewer: Yes, well then… I see you’ve had a number of internships. Several professional certifications. An award. I guess, I’m just curious what attracted you to this position?
Applicant: I came from humble beginnings, working day and night to achieve my dreams. My parents were immigrants who believed in this company. They instilled in me an unwavering work ethic and the spirit of service we’ll need to stay competitive in the 21st Century. Despite adversity, I knew in my heart I had to seek this position. Not for myself, but for the junior level employees: the sales associates, the accountants, and custodians who are the driving force behind our prosperity. They are the most inspirational and hardworking staff in the world!
Interviewer: Is there any specific experience that qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: You know, I’d like to tell you about an ordinary employee I met recently. Since applying here this morning, I’ve traveled to every corner of this office and spoken with some great folks. Churchgoers. Patriots. On my way to this very office today, I spoke to a receptionist. She was a wonderful woman. She was a mother and she was fearful of the kind of future that other applicants for this job envision for this company. Can they be trusted, I ask you?! Who knows what shadowy special interests they’re beholden to! I’ve been out there. I’ve seen them: those other applicants out there in the lobby. They won’t be accountable to you or to me or that receptionist. They’re in the pockets of other companies and foreign competitors. They’ll outsource that receptionist’s job to China somehow and get rich doing it! Well, my parents taught me better than that. They taught me that moral values are a compass on the pathway to dignity. And it’s that dignity and character and integrity that I promise to bring to this position on day one!
Interviewer: Alright. Well, I guess the only thing left is for you to provide us with a urine sample and we’ll let you know of our decision in the next couple days.
Applicant: Attacks like this threaten the civility of our hiring process. I will not submit to the hiring process of hate and vitriol. I will not be part of a hiring process of character assassination and negativity, while our troops are out there fighting on the front lines.
Interviewer: Really, it’s just a standard policy that applicants give us a urine sample for drug and alcohol screenings.
Applicant: Let’s talk about what this is really about. You think this is about drugs and alcohol in my urine? There are powerful forces behind these accusations seeking to stop this applicant’s voice from being heard at all costs. Let’s talk about what my opponents don’t want you to know!
Interviewer: Sir, are you drunk?
Applicant: I will not go around the world apologizing for this company! *storms out*